Of ambhibians, invertebrates and pisces

so, I will now tell you why I will never make fun of lizards again.

That is because, something outrageously horrendous happened, involving a lizard, a fish bowl, some water, a goldfish and ..ahh..well me.

So I was under the impression that the lizards in my place have been tamed.To the extent, I also named the three lizards residing in the kitchen-living room area walls.

[Just clearing the doubts that might have popped up, My kitchen is not my living room, just that I have an open kitchen, which...well...opens into the living room].

so, I christened the three lizards living in the afore mentioned area , Tom, dick and Harry.
Only to realize, the next day, that I am utterly confused about who's Tom, who's Dick and who's Harry.

anyway, so one fine evening I was about to dig deep into some dry chocolate horlicks,
and what do I see?...

Either one of Tom Dick and Harry had fallen for J.D Saligner.(Thats my Goldfish)

J.D Saligner, on the other hand was profoundly confused as to why a lizard would dive into a fish bowl, when clearly,
a] It can't swim
b] It can't breathe while its inside water.

and what was my condition?
the jar of horlicks fell, emptied itself, and a horde of red ants (I am sorry, they're all unnamed, as you might know, I am real lazy and I cant name the odd 20046537487 red ants that reside at my place, call it racism {or in this case species cism}, or whatever, I am just too lazy] came running towards the amorphous powdery mass.

But , I had to do something, my hands quivering, I gave the fish bowl a tap with my fingers and Tom/Dick/Harry resurfaced, giving me the impression that he might have felt this unconditional love for J.D.Saligner but he needed to be saved.Just that It was I who had to save him (and the fish) and that I have never particularly felt unconditional love for drowning, half dead lizards. Its a sad sight.
Lizards are supposed to be mighty, slimy creatures who run around chasing butterflies, insects (and Gold fish?)

anyway, so what I did was called up my mother and asked her what was to be done.
My mother sensing the immediate emergency was quick in her decision making.[I like her].
she asked me to place the bowl under the flowing tap water, so that the lizard can flow out, I was to see to it the J.D.Saligner does not flow out himself (If he wants to commit suicide he can do that himself, he cant just trick me into killing him and then make it all look like murder,I told him).

anyway, all said and done, Tom, dick and Harry are all alive and kicking.
One of them is actually eating a moth, right at this moment,as I type this.
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Enough about lizards, lets talk about crows and bats.
My friend The Diva and me have come to a conclusion that the procreated products of the reproduction between crows and bats will have a very bad life, as they won't have fixed sleep timings.

If you're still reading this post, you might as well just read on....

The rest of the conversation between me and The Diva:

The Diva: I can't wear stilettos, my feet start paining after I've worn them for some time.

Me: I think I will start wearing stilettos, not only will I be taller, I will also have a reason for being awkward.

The Diva: My mom has gone shopping.

Me: My mom is sleeping.

The Diva: Oh, ok, I will call you in your land line.

Me: [frantically] : NO!!!!!!!! don't !, my mom is sleeping in that room,

Wait, that reminds me, I gotta wake her up, will you please hold on for two minutes?


Me: [bangs on a door]
ya, ok...what were you saying?

The Diva : you asked me to hold for two minutes.

Me: oh, thats because I forgot that I can actually carry around my phone with me.

The Diva: Haha

Me: Haha.

[ I know, this is just the kind of intellectually stimulating conversation you were expecting].

[ok, so some more unnecessary and inconsequential giggles thereafter.....]


Me: you remember you told me about this broken window that you keep staring at?

The diva : Oh ya, there's this dilapidated building near my house.So whenever I have free time, (which is very often), I stare at that window.

Me: ya so you should listen to this song by Strings called "khirki" and the lyrics go..

ek khirki hai,
tuta sheesha hai....

Actually you should listen to the song while looking at the window.I am telling you, its SO going to be an audio-visual experience.

[Giggles]

Me: You know that day I was telling BB, every day, after climbing five storeys up to the department, I start sweating like a pig and panting like a dog.I must be a cross between a pig and a bitch.

The Diva : I am sitting in my terrace and there's a powercut and its dark and this bat is following me around.I think its hitting on me.

Me: A bat hitting on a crow?

The Crow..err sorry Diva: Just imagine, if a bat and a crow breed and give birth to kids, those kids will be unlucky, I mean when will they sleep?

[It was here that we came to the aforementioned conclusion]

The Diva: A****** is so stupid.I don't like her anymore.Oh my god, I just realized, she is smelly cat!!

[ we both start singing smelly cat,smelly cat ..... ]

Me: You should join the community "Phoebe's smelly Cat" in orkut, its fun.

The Diva: [annoyed] why can't I like something and just like it!..Why do I always have to join some community to PROVE that I like it!...

Me: oh ok, I was just saying.

The Diva: Anyway I have real low cyber self esteem, and [a jump cut] Why do people think that I am an air-headed bimbette?, when CLEARLY, I am not!.
[what she said thereafter just proves that, I think]

The Diva: you know what?..I am so tired of being dusky and dark skinned.I want to be fair and pretty and lovely.I mean dusky people are supposed to be hot, and fair people are pretty.....

Me: you know, you should look at me, I am neither dark nor pretty nor fair and most obviously not hot.

The Diva: Oh, common you want to be thin, that you can do, you just need two months for that.I want to be fair skinned, I can't be fair.

Me: [trying to be funny] You can be fair, metaphorically.

The Diva: No I want to be literally fair.My cousin is getting married to this girl from my school who is so fair and pretty and everything.I am so unhappy, its so not fair.

Me: [most obviously trying to be funny]: This is contradiction at its best.Whats not fair?..The fact that she is fair.

[some random banter thereafter]

The Diva: you know, my cell phone has become a slut.

Me: wha...?!?!

The Diva: I mean like I have dropped it so many times.It lost its virginity, the first time I dropped it.So now, its dropped on the floor so many times, its a slut!

Me: oh, thaaat way.So, technically, did YOU loose YOUR virginity to YOUR phone?Like YOU dropped it, right?

The Diva: [appalled] NO!!!! I mean my phone lost its virginity to gravity, I am just its parent, like its mother or something.

Me: O.

[ at this point, we both decide to carry forward this utterly nonsensical personification blabbering]

The Diva: So I think my landline phone is jealous of my cell phone.I mean the landline phone is not a good looker, but my cell phone is so sleek and all, and its a slut and my land line phone is a despo.

Me: what?..hello?...I can't hear you!

The Diva: Can you hear me now?

Me: no, there's this noise, I can't hear you properly.

The Diva:....(something that I couldn't decipher).

[after some time]

The Diva: Can you hear me now?

Me: ya, now I can.

The Diva: My landline phone has acquired a life of its own.If I talk about it, while I am on it, it starts creating all sorts of problems.

[ Some MORE blabbering thereafter]

The Diva: I was moon-gazing yesterday, and I think the moon is God's patronus.

[ I know, we have WAY too much free time]


Me: don't even get me started on moon-gazing ya, whenever I look at the sky , I end up thinking about the moon and the evening stars and the millions of other bodies that are so far away...and the other planets beyond our solar system?What if there's this other earth in some other solar system with people just like you and me!


The Diva: ya!..suppose there is this parallel universe, and in there, there is one clone for all the people on OUR earth, and the clones are the exact opposite of the human beings here.

[This conversation took place on the phone when The Diva called me up for discussing the camera practical exams]

Me: So, my clone will be this reed thin girl with no glasses and an even teeth setting with a dazzling smile, who will not sweat while dragging herself across.....

The Diva: and she will be DUMB!!!!

Me: Thank you,


The Diva: ok, and my clone will be like REAL fair and REAL short and pretty and fat and..

Me: and will be DUMB!...

The Diva: Thanks Ads...

Me: and both our clones will have this strong apathy and allergy towards telephonic communication.

[Sorry for the mind boggling inconvenience, the post has come to an end]